If you are viewing this journal for the first time please note that any comments you send to me via the "leave a comment" link at the bottom left of each piece only go to me and will not be seen by other people.

If something I have written is not work safe I will say so and it will all be behind a cut so you don't get any surprises at work from the content!

I do flit around between subjects and that will become more apparent when I start typing up my older works. In the title of each post I'm trying to put the date (exact or approximate) that I wrote the piece. That'll be interesting charting how my style and subjects have changed over the years.

I had the opportunity to play around with a friends Nikon D300 recently. I'm no expert so here's the "idiots guide" to the differences:

Weight: the D300 is noticeably heavier. I personally wouldn't want to carry it around all day. It is VERY heavy compared to the D90.

Time: The time it takes to take a photo varies obviously depending on what setting you are on. For the best quality with the D300 including with the red-eye flash setting it seems to take forever to take a photo. The moment is lost by the time the camera has done its stuff. The D90 is noticeably quicker but thats because it has a different (maybe lesser?) type of red-eye procedure.

Start-up time: They both take about the same amount of time to start up so you can catch the same "in the moment" photos whichever camera you have.

Battery life: The D300 has MUCH less of a battery life as the D90. For what I do with my D90 I'd have to carry a spare battery for a D300. Though I'm not 100% sure I can justify this comparison as the D300 was being used with the flash on all the time whereas I never take 1000 photos with the D90 using the flash. Maybe I should try it to qualify my comments about the battery life.

Editing options: Yes, the D300 has more editing options than the D90. Great for if you are editing on the go. Since when do people do that though? Maybe I'm the only person on the planet who likes to edit things on the big screen of the computer these days... not that I normally have a need to edit anything the D90 takes except for cropping in size!

Photo Options: Yes there are more options when it comes to aperture, focus etc. There are options that mean the D300 camera can do things that the D90 can't, but they are all things a good editing program or some handy work with the D90 a person can pretty much do, though with maybe having to take one or two more photos. I think there was only one option on there that the D90 didn't have that I thought "ooh, I'd like to play with that!".

Weather: The D300 is waterproof to a better degree than the D90. This feature does appeal to me!

Speed of multi shot mode: OK, the D300 really comes into its own here. With my D90 if I'm taking multiple shots (such as following a galloping horse) the D90 camera manages a certain amount of them and then it slows down because it has to write the photos to the camera. The D300 has a different type of memory card and so you can do multiple shots all day long and the camera does not slow down at all. This facility too appeals to me!

For what I use it for... photographing show jumping events and taking photos of high-speed ponies, the D300 would be better on terms of speed of taking multiple shots and the waterproof side of things. But, with it being so heavy and having a much shorter battery life (about 1000 photos on the D300 verses about 3000 with the D90) I think I'll stick with the D90.

I must thank Keith www.kpullanphotography.co.uk for doing a swap for a while and discussing the ins and outs of them both!

To close, a photo of me, behind the cut, taken with the D300. ( Read more... )

I had the day off work and thought it'd be nice to take the camera to Ditchling Beacon to take some photos, but sadly the weather was against me so I have only a few shots of random cows and moody scenery. The camera and I had an argument too, it won, of course.


(must edit the bottom left corner of this)

( Click here for more )

( and one photo of me )

I can't write at the moment. I've lost my muse and so I am finding it very difficult to be inspired enough to write. This saddens me more than you could ever know. Being sad then makes it harder for me to write, which continues the circle. :(

Riding my motorbike to work this evening was amazing. I wish I didn't have to go to work, I'd rather have taken my camera onto the South Downs because the sunset was stunning.

I thought up this poem whilst riding along looking at the sunset.

The best artist couldn't paint a true picture,
The best camera couldn't put onto film,
The best writer couldn't put down on paper,
The beauty of the sunset over the Downs.

Goffs Park, Crawley, West Sussex. Taken 8:30pm. Tonight I played around with the aperture and length of time the shutter was being kept open for. I actually took my tripod too for once. All was going well until it started snowing after I had taken just 2 or 3 photos! Because of the snow I didn't stay out for long and didn't get to take many photos as the snow got quite heavy, so I only have 7 photos to show tonight. I shall take more this week as I am planning on a trip up the South Downs.

As always, I have only cropped the photos down to size, no colour editing has been done and I did not use the flash for any of the photos, just a long exposure.



More photos behind the cut ( clicky here )

You'd be almost ten years old by now, I wonder how you'd have looked?
Would you have my green eyes and dark hair, or blond hair and stunning good looks?

Would you have a beautiful singing voice, that would move me to tears when you sang?
Or would you be as academic as your father, or stun us with your artistic hand?

I'm sorry if I don't cry so much these days, sorry if I seem to forget,
but I really had to move on in life, though please know that some things I regret.

Please know that I still think of you, not a day goes by when I don't,
maybe things would be different if you were born now, but go through that again... I wont.

Maybe I don't want to replace you, maybe its just easier this way,
when I say what I do about children, please know I don't mean all I say.

Its hard to explain all these feelings, taken nearly ten years to get this far,
but Thomas if you can hear me, please know you are still in my heart.

I've been entirely uninspired in writing for a while now, so here are some photos from last week's snow.

Goffs Park, West Sussex


( Clicky here for more from Goffs Park )

South Downs and Lancing College
( Click here )

Ponies and surrounding countryside
( clicky here )

This is a write-up of a very moving dream I had last night, written in diary format.

Tuesday 20th January 2009

Dear diary, today's entry may get long, I want to remember as much of this as possible!

Today Kim and I met for lunch. We ended up, of course, doing a bit of shopping in town too. I had been looking for some new shoes, something with a bit of a platform to them. I couldn't find what I was looking for and I hate shoe shopping more than any other kind of shopping, not that I like shopping in the first place mind, but as it happened the day ended up rather nice!

I should start from the beginning. We had been looking in a few shops and didn't find anything I wanted. Kim had bought a new top and we had talked about lots of girl-type things such as men and life etc. As we looked in a shop window someone stood next to me on my left. I looked up at him and it was Tom!

I wasn't expecting to see him there at all. He said he had been in the area because of work and had seen me so thought he would come and say hello. I introduced him to Kim. She has heard a lot about him before so knew instantly who he was. He, on the other hand, had little idea of who Kim is until I explained to him where he may have heard me mention her name but I certainly had not told him how much she'd heard about him! I don't know if I should say Kim was good or not for this but she invited him to join us for lunch. I was a little apprehensive about this when he said he'd love to, but I smiled and tried to relax as much as possible. Kim knows I like Tom, I like him a lot. I get the feeling he is well aware of this fact too!

Tom and I sat next to each other on a big sofa. Kim sat on a chair sort of opposite us, a bit to our left. We had hot drinks and cakes, so I guess not a very healthy "lunch". We joked and laughed a lot. Tom put his hand on me a few times, my arm, my thigh, my shoulder, mostly in reaction to laughing about something. I had ended up sitting turned slightly away from him, looking toward Kim with him sat sort of behind me facing her too. One time, when we were talking about it, he touched my hair which was mostly down. It made me shiver, I love that feeling. I can't remember what we were talking about but we all laughed a lot. Tom had said something that made me feel warm inside and very grateful for what he had said. Kim got up to get us more drinks. Tom put his chin on my right shoulder, I rested my head against his. He kissed my cheek. I turned my head a little toward his, he kissed me again, it was the corner of my mouth, I kissed him back. I turned more toward him and we kissed properly.

After the kiss I looked at him, his eyes were looking straight back at mine. I said "we shouldn't" "I know" he replied, and then we kissed again. Kim had returned with the drinks. I did not look at her, I was looking toward Tom. "erm, I need to go to the loo, so erm, I'll be back in a few minutes" she said seeming rather uncomfortable and walked off. Tom put his hands on mine, held them and I leaned back resting my back on his chest. We were silent. Nothing needed to be said. We had done what we should not have. We had crossed over that line now and it was not something either of us should have allowed to happen and we could not forget. I sat resting against him, listening to the rhythm of his heart and matching my breathing to his. Every now and then he would kiss my head. Kim came back and looked a little uneasy but seeing nothing was happening she sat down again and started talking about where she wanted to go shopping next.

I sat back up, took sips of my drink and joined in the conversation. Tom was quiet for him but joined in a little. He had hold of one of my hands and every now and then we would kiss again. His lips were soft and his kiss left me feeling wonderful, always wanting more. He was so gentle, it all seemed so very innocent even though we both knew it should never have happened.

After a while and we had all finished our drinks it was decided Kim and I should get back to our shopping and Tom should return to work. We had been there for over an hour. As Kim stood up Tom still had hold of my hand. I turned to look at him and asked "what do we do now?" he replied "I really don't know". We kissed again, Kim started to walk out, we kissed once more and I stood up and walked away from him. As I walked away he grabbed hold of my hand. I looked back at him sat there, I looked into his eyes and could see the feeling he had in them. He pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it, then we let go of each other and I walked away. As I walked up the street I looked back and saw him walk out of the coffee shop. We looked at each other for a few seconds before he turned and walked in the opposite direction. I felt both immensely happy yet also sad that the encounter was over.

I am inspired in my writing quite a bit by someone who has been a wonderful person to be around for a few months now. I keep trying to find the words to explain why, but even I fail in writing about that. So, here's the best I can do... A letter to my inspiration.

My Dear Inspiration,

How is it that you can see into my eyes as though they are open doors?
You always seem to know when i'm hiding things that I do not want to talk about.
You make me want to open up to you so easily and before I know it we are talking about what I had been trying to hide.
Anything I would keep from other people you seem to already know.
You make me want to tell you everything, and I don't know why.
You make me feel as though I can tell you anything.
I trust you, it is rare for me to trust someone as much as I trust you.
You inspire me and I love it. The more you inspire me the more I want to be around you.
You challenge me and very few people do that these days. I need that.
I feel so comfortable around you, more comfortable than with most other men. Comfortable enough to tell you anything and everything, comfortable enough to be alone with you.
I can not find the words to truly explain how you make me feel.
I would be lost without you in my life. I hope I never have to live without you in my life.

C.

Goffs Park, Crawley, West Sussex. Dusk and after dark. No colour editing has been done. These are straight out of the camera. No flash was used to take the photos either.



( 3 more photos behind this cut )

I don't know what I've done,
I don't know where to start,
all I know is what I feel,
a deep aching in my heart.

I'm sorry for the things I've done,
though I don't know what they are,
Wish I could start to make things right,
or has this gone too far?

A smile that can lift my mood in an instant,

Eyes that with just one look can melt my heart,

A touch that can make my heart miss a beat,

A voice that can send shivers down my spine,

To me, you are perfection.

I am not as strong as you think I am.
I am not as self assure.
I am not as confident as I show to you.
Inside me theres a lot more.

Why can't you see past my rough exterior?
See who I really am.
I try to let my guard down to you,
but its hard for me because you're a man.

Please look deep inside me,
Please see who I am.
Please take time to know me,
Maybe then you'll give a damn.

Tara looked up at the computer screen and wondered how she was going to document what had happened a few nights ago. She kept a diary on her computer to remind her of all the more interesting things shes encountered in her life, she had often joked about writing a book of the more interesting or the things that could help others through some of the difficult situations she had been through in her varied and sometimes traumatic life. The event a few evenings ago was no exception.

Tara had known Jamie for almost 5 years. They had been dating for about a year, nothing too serious as a serious relationship would not have suited either of their lifestyles, but they were exclusive in the bedroom department and spent a lot of time together around work and the other commitments in their lives. This arrangement worked well for them both, every moment together meant it was a happy relationship full of fun and laughter. All the time they were together was yet another magical moment to add to her diary of things she wants to remember... until tonight.

Jamie knew that Tara's friend who she lives with had gone away for a few days. Tara had made no firm plans to meet Jamie as she wanted a night to herself, just her cat, a pizza and a girly DVD were invited to join her on this occasion. No plans, no pressure, no fuss, just a night in on her own.

There was a knock at the back door, it was not unusual as many of her friends and her neighbours often come through the back door rather than the front. When Tara opened the door Jamie was there, but he wasn't on his own, he had a friend with him, Simon. Tara had only met Simon briefly once before but thought he seemed a nice enough person on that previous occasion. A little shocked as to why they had arrived she invited them in out of the cold. It soon became clear they had both been drinking. “How did you get here?” she asked, “I drove of course!” replied Jamie, she questioned “In that state? Drunk?” Jamie looked at her as though trying to focus “Yes, its ok, I didn't hit anyone”.

Tara offered them a coffee to sober up before leaving, but they had other plans. Jamie told her “We're not here for coffee, we're here for you!”. “What?” she replied, “What do you mean you're here for me? I told you I wanted the night to myself”. Jamie and Simon took themselves into the lounger and sat down. Simon finally spoke “We thought that you might... you know... entertain us”. Tara questioned “What do you mean by entertain?” and switched the kettle on anyway in hope they would drink some coffee and sober up before leaving. Simon continued “well, Jamie tells me you are good in the sack, so we thought you could show me just how good you are too”. Tara tried not to look shocked as she addressed Jamie “You brought your friend around because you are both too drunk to think straight and you thought I'd let you both spend the night here in my bed with me?” Jamie stuttered a little “well... erm... yeah, basically”

Tara smiled as she said “clearly you have had way too much to drink if you think thats going to happen” Jamie walked over to her, put his arms around her and kissed her head “please baby, whats wrong? Why not? Its not as though I'll be around much longer, you know I'm moving away and this would be the perfect going away present” Simon stood up and stepped toward them. Tara pushed Jamie away from her, he stumbled backward and fell into the settee “No! How could you think that?” she shouted. Get out, the pair of you!

Jamie and Simon looked at each other looking quite confused over what had happened. Simon walked toward her and grabbed her arm “But why not? Jamie said it wouldn't be the first time you've done this sort of thing” She walked forward pushing Simon backward toward the door “Just NO! Get out! Both of you!”

Jamie stood up and walked toward her “Baby, whats the problem? One last time before I leave, go on...” Tara grabbed hold of Jamie's arm and dragged him to the back door, opened it and pushed them both out of the door. They stumbled and Simon fell over. Tara closed the door behind them, locked it and took 2 pint glasses of water to the bedroom window above the back door. She opened the window and looked out at them. Jamie was pleading with her to let them back in and constantly asking for just one last time before he leaves. She shouted “go away, this is your last warning!” Simon responded with “or what? You'll call the police?” “No” she shouted “or this!” and emptied a glass of water on them. They were both lost for words just looking at each other. “Go away, or I will do it again and again until you leave.” and she poured the second glass of water on them. They soon left.

A couple of nights on and Tara still had not heard again from Jamie. No apology, no asking her how she is, no goodbye as he was due to leave in a few days, nothing. In all the years she had known him Jamie had never crossed over the line in their relationship, that night... he did. She had never seen him like that before and it saddened her that it happened at all, and it'll be the last time she sees him, ever.

November sunset over the paddock. (looks better if your monitor has a strange idea about colours as my main computer does)

( For more photos taken 22nd November click here )

( 4 photos of my ponies )

The end.

I have a problem. My muse is no longer inspiring me to write as much as he used to. Its most likely because I haven't seen him much recently.

Maybe I should tell him he has been my muse as I have never directly told him? I don't know how he'd take it though. I don't know if he'd be flattered, run a mile, think I'm crazy, think I'm just trying to get him into bed (someone being your muse isn't always about that!) etc.

Its a complicated thing someone being a muse. You never really know why they inspire you, you just know they do. When you don't spend much time alone with them your inspiration dries up, then with me that makes me feel miserable because I love to write and I love being inspired. Without being inspired I feel lost and unfocused. When I am inspired everything in the world around me is beautiful. Nothing gets me down. I feel so alive and happy all the time. Everything seems so right.

Stand-alone piece of writing. I have no plans to continue this, but its just whats in my head right now. Maybe a situation at work is getting to me because this came into my head as I was on my way home and I find myself able to put all my work-related emotion/anger/upset into this.
------

Anna saw John walking toward her across the street. She stood under the oak tree out of the rain watching him for what seemed like an eternity. He finally made it to her “whats wrong?” he asked, “you sounded upset on the phone”. She looked into his eyes and felt her own begin to well up with tears “I'm not as strong as you think I am. I know you tell me I am a strong person but this is me, broken. I just... need...”. Anna lowered her head and held her hands up to her face to hide her tears. John looked on horrified wondering what to do, then he stepped forward and put his arms around her and just held her. He comforted her “shh, its ok, I'm here, tell me whats happened”. Anna tried to speak but no words would come out. She put her arms around him and held him, still unable to speak, just crying. John kissed her head, turned his head to the side and rested his head on hers. He whispered “I'm here for you if you want to tell me”.

Charlotte looked at her phone once more. "I shouldn't call him" she thought to herself whilst looking for any reason to do so. "I should leave it a few days, see if he calls me." she said to herself. She picked up the phone and decided to try the next best thing... and called Mel.

Mel and Charlotte had been friends for many years, they knew just about everything there was to know about eachother. They had been through a lot together and knew all the ins and outs of eachothers relationships. Mel would be the voice of reason. She always was. Tonight though, Mel was not as much the voice of reason as Charlotte was hoping for. "Just get him into bed already!" Mel exclaimed. "Go on, its not far off, its going to happen sooner or later, you may as well just make it sooner!" Charlotte sighed. Maybe Mel was not the voice of reason tonight.

Charlotte ended the call and decided to lose herself in a book to see if that would help take her mind off him. "A-ha! Jane Austen, You'll be my voice of reason" she said as she lifted Pride & Prejudice out of the book shelf. She made herself a mug of hot chocolate, curled up on the settee and began to read where she had previously left off. After a while Charlotte realised she had picked up the wrong book for what she wanted because all she was reminded of was how much she missed John, how much of a gentleman he was and she loved that about him. He was her knight in shining armour, her very own modern day Mr. Darcy who has saved her from public ridicule. Maybe not in the same way as Mr. Darcy saved Elizabeth, but in Charlotte's mind John had saved her in a way and so he was her hero.

---------------
I shall add to this at some point. I'd like to explore this one further. I'm fed up with my mind coming out with poems so I'm forcing it to actually think about what I'm writing :)